Just Kensi
by xana4
Summary: "Did you miss me?" And I open my mouth to tell him that I didn't miss him. I want to say no but when I open my mouth the only thing that comes out is "Yes". And he knows I'm telling the truth because I can't be any more honest than this. K/D


**Disclaimer: All the recognizable characters do not belong to me. **

**.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**Kensi's POV**

It's like I'm not even here right now.

I don't want to be here.

These feelings inside of me hurt so damn much that the thought of welcoming him back home makes me slightly sick to my stomach.

Callen and Sam look at me weirdly during the entire day. They are waiting for me to say something, to give them any indication that things between my partner and I are not okay.

But I'm Kensi Marie Blye.

I don't show weakness.

I don't show feelings.

I showed them to Deeks. I opened up to him and allowed him to get too close. And this is what I get in return.

The rational part of my brain tells me that he had no control whatsoever over this but it still feels like a betrayal, as much as I want to believe that he would have chosen to stay.

But these feelings, these things inside of me that I can't bring myself to name, are so strong that I don't know how to control them. It's like I'm not even controlling my actions and to me that's almost as bad as getting shot at.

Deeks left. He left four months ago for an undercover operation for LAPD.

He left on the worst possible time. We were just starting to solve this 'thing' between us and as much as I assured him that everything would be okay I wasn't sure if that would happen. Hell, I'm not sure if that will happen now that he is coming back.

A part of me blames him because if he would just accept Hetty's offer and join NCIS as an agent, things would be different.

I don't know what I'll do when I see him.

I want to slap him hard across the face.

I want to touch him just to make sure he's here.

I want to punch him where it hurts the most.

I want to hug him.

I want to get a knife and scar him for life.

I want to kiss him.

I want to tie him to a damn chair and torture him until he signs the damn papers.

I want to go to bed wrapped up in his arms and wake up with his gentle kiss on my forehead.

I want the angry part of me to win this battle.

I really do.

He needs to know that this is not okay.

He can't keep leaving me like this.

I have deep abandonment issues.

I'm the girl who can't commit. Leaving for three months is not good for us.

It's not good for me.

I want to tell him that every single night I would pray for him, even though I'm not a very religious person.

I want to tell him that I would tear up every single morning when I woke up in a way too empty bed.

I want to tell him that I never want him to leave my side again.

But I can't.

I'm not that kind of girl.

My father didn't raise me to be the needy type of girl. He raised me to be as hardcore as a marine.

I'm hardcore.

I don't show my emotions.

I don't go around telling people how I feel.

I don't show weakness.

I know all that.

I have all those things down as an art by now.

However, the second he walks through the door it's like none of those things make sense anymore. I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do anymore.

Callen and Sam welcome him back with their usual funny jokes. I stand there, looking at him because I don't know what to do or say. I check for any visible wounds and let out a sigh of relief when I can't spot any.

That's always a good sign.

Then he looks at me.

God, he looks right at me.

His bright blue eyes, his fluffy blond hair and his goofy grin are in place and make me take a deep breath.

I can't give up now.

I must stay strong.

I'm strong.

I'm hardcore.

I'm a marine-brat.

I don't need anyone to be happy.

Emotions are a sign of weakness.

I'm anything but weak.

He walks to me with that look on his eyes, the look that indicates that he's seeing right through my carefully placed façade. He stops a couple of inches away from me.

He's probably closer than what he should be while in the middle of the bullpen and with Callen and Sam a few feet away from us but he doesn't seem to care. He opens his mouth to speak and I know that his words will either be my death or my salvation.

Either way it's fine by me because hearing his voice for the first time in three months is oddly soothing.

"Did you miss me?"

And I open my mouth to tell him that I didn't miss him. I want to say no but when I open my mouth the only thing that comes out is "Yes".

And he knows I'm telling the truth because I can't be any more honest than this. He smiles and pulls me into the warmth of his arms.

I know he missed me too, even without hearing the words. the only indication I need is the way he hols me to him so tightly that it almost looks like he's afraid I'll run away from him, from us.

I don't.

God, I can't.

And when it comes down to it, I'm still strong.

I'm still independent.

I'm still hardcore.

But being strong doesn't mean that you can't accept any help.

Being independent doesn't mean you can't be with someone who cares about you as much as he cares about me.

Being hardcore has nothing to do with love.

Showing my emotions isn't a sign of weakness but a sign of how much I trust him and care about him.

I can be hardcore at work.

I can be strong at work.

I can be emotionless at work.

Outside of it, I can be Kensi.

I can be just Kensi. And that thought alone is enough to make me smile.

Because he loves me, even when I'm just Kensi and nothing else matters but that.

**X**

**X**

**Well, as you probably know by now I have the awesome ability to come up with ideas one morning and write them down until the end of the day. **

**And you probably know that this is a bit different from what I usually write.**

**I saw an episode of Grey's Anatomy last night and there was one sentence that I just had to use. It is just perfect for this story.**

**I'm thinking about leaving this one as a one-shot but I can always write a second chapter by popular demand with Deeks POV.**

**Anyway, if you're a new reader of my stories the author's note ends here for you.**

**However, if you already know me and follow my stories this is for you:**

**The second chapter of 'Denial' will be posted tomorrow,**

'**Unbreakable' was updated at the exact same time I posted this story,**

'**Stuck Smitten Whatever' will be updated on the middle of next week**

**And 'Things I Love About You' will be updated whenever I write the next chapter (but no later than two weeks, I promise you that).**

**Review,**

**Sarah**


End file.
